


Good People and Other Platitudes

by niomei



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Happy Ending, Exes, M/M, Pining, Unresolved Emotional Tension, a gratuitous use of metaphors, intense fuckin pining im telling u, the timeline on this is vague on purpose and all screwy im sorry i suck at time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:41:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26512351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niomei/pseuds/niomei
Summary: Hoseok likes to think he’s a good person. He tries his best, respects everyone he meets, keeps an open mind, keeps his heart on his sleeve, and he really does think he’s, at the very least, apassableperson.He must be wrong.He must be wrong, because if hewerea good person like he thought he was, he wouldn’t be standing here looking at Hyungwon through the slit Starship calls a window on the practice room door.~~~Hoseok and Hyungwon are exes who reconnect after years of being apart, and there's absolutelynounresolved business at all. Really! At least that's what they try to act like.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho
Comments: 25
Kudos: 64





	1. THE VOYEUR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“If the moon smiled, she would resemble you.  
>  You leave the same impression  
> Of something beautiful, but annihilating.”  
> ― Sylvia Plath, Ariel: The Restored Edition_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank Meli who has LITERALLY been waiting for me to finish this au since we became friends, and has suffered the whole way with me, and Gine, who kicked my ass into gear so that I could finally finish the last like 1/4th of this beast. This beast has been in my brain since March 2019 and now it's finally here !!!
> 
> A lot of events are altered, timeline skewed, etc to make this work, so try not to think too hard about it i guess???
> 
> The lyrics link to the songs that helped me get thru this :') each chapter is titled according to the everymanHYBRID character's roles, not bc it's relevant bc this has nothing to do with emh, but bc theyre good archetypes i like
> 
> anyway. . . enjoy!!!

**[THE VOYEUR]**

**[[and I remember, "baby, come home."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtgiP95ikIE)]**

Hoseok likes to think he’s a good person. He tries his best, respects everyone he meets, keeps an open mind, keeps his heart on his sleeve, and he really does think he’s, at the very least, a _passable_ person.

He must be wrong.

He must be wrong, because if he _were_ a good person like he thought he was, he wouldn’t be standing here looking at Hyungwon through the slit Starship calls a window on the practice room door. Minhyuk is in there too-- _when did they meet?,_ Hoseok thinks numbly, _since when has Hyungwon been here?_ \-- and it looks like they’re chatting while goofing off to a Sistar choreography. In his head _(heart, soul)_ he can hear Hyungwon’s laugh even though all he can just barely hear is the thrum of the music, loud as it is. When Minhyuk flounces over to the speaker system set up, he sees Hoseok; before Hoseok can book it, Minhyuk is slamming the pause button and ripping the door open.

“Hoseok hyung,” Minhyuk squeals, launching himself happily into Hoseok’s (fucked, fucked, absolutely fucked) arms. “I have a new friend~!”

“A-ah, Minhyukkie--” Hoseok scrapes out with a laugh, and then--

“Hullo.” Hyungwon says from the doorway, head tilted, chocolate brown hair damp, and wow! Wow, it’s all really hitting him all at once here. “It's been a while, Hoseok-ssi.”

Hyungwon's little bow is reserved, held together in a way Hoseok definitely isn't. He feels twitchy and out of his skin.

“You know each other?” Minhyuk trills happily.

“Sometimes, model and ulzzang circles line up,” Hyungwon explains, voice soft and smooth. “It's kind of rare but it happens. We've met before a few times.”

“Yeah,” Hoseok croaks out. “It's. . . been a long time, though.”

“Then I'll grab some snacks and you two can catch up,” Minhyuk decides cheerily, detaching himself from Hoseok and shoving him into the practice room. “Be right back~!”

The door slides shut. Hyungwon quietly trots to the other side of the room, picking up a water bottle. The silence is thick, deafening, and Hoseok isn't sure what to do about it. Hyungwon sits down against the mirror, drinking. Hoseok cracks.

“When did you--” he tries, stuttering to a stop, throat dry.

“My last contract wasn't long term,” Hyungwon says plainly, not looking up. “Starship had auditions. It happened to work out.”

Hoseok flinches a little, feeling old concern well up in his chest as he shuffles over to sit across from Hyungwon. They're still not looking at each other.

“It's good you finally left,” Hoseok says softly, fingers twining together.

Hyungwon's lips purse, and Hoseok finds himself staring again; he's staring and staring and staring, but he's not sure what he's seeing anymore. A once pretty, now gorgeous, boy he knew, yes, but also something that wasn't there when he last saw Hyungwon. The strength isn't new, but it's tainted an ugly color, and Hoseok knows he forfeited the right to pry years ago but he wants to _know._ His heart is always too soft.

“I suppose it is.”

They're quiet once more, and Hoseok can't help but think, _there it is, the part of my heart that's been missing for so long. A little worse for wear, but mine nonetheless._

"Do you still talk to your old friends?" Hyungwon asks; it's tinged with curiosity, but also with carefully crafted disinterest.

Hoseok takes in a breath, calculated to keep the lump in his throat from choking him.

"No, I don't."

Hyungwon looks up, doe eyes a little wider than before. Hoseok is rusty on reading him-- and his past self had learned only a select number of Hyungwon's expressions, a deliberate starvation-- but he can see the edges of surprise, and maybe pride, that becomes shadowed by something worse. Something painful and directed inside.

"That's a shame," Hyungwon offers, voice empty; it sounds like a robotic customer service voice over the phone.

"No, it's not."

Hyungwon's lips purse again, years of arguments hidden behind the prison of his teeth, and all Hoseok can do is stare like looking at him has him breathing air. For a moment, Hoseok thinks he's gonna burst; it _excites_ him, the idea of seeing Hyungwon unleash and drop that empty politeness he'd been holding up this whole time. But in the end, Hyungwon just fishes his phone from his bag and swallows his words, and Hoseok is left with a burning desire for more.

* * *

They get slapped together for No.MERCY promotions, and Hoseok would laugh if he were any less nervous-- a model and an ex-ulzzang together? Starship was going for a visual overload it seemed. Hyungwon is calm with the news, he’s been so unbelievably calm, even when Hoseok picks him up at the goading of the staff. He smiles and laughs and nudges, and for a moment Hoseok pretends nothing is tense between them.

They film some closing shots, the staff continuously encouraging them to have fun; Hoseok blows at Hyungwon's ear just to be contrite, and Hyungwon whines.

“Lee Hoseok,” Hyungwon berates quietly afterwards, smacking his thigh. _“Rude.”_

Hoseok pouts as they go to return their outfits to the stylist noonas, Hyungwon having specifically borrowed the gaudy orange jacket since he owned very little orange clothing.

“I was just teasing,” Hoseok defends himself.

“You know I hate that.”

“Things change.”

Hyungwon doesn't pause as he smiles politely at the stylist, folding the jacket neatly and returning it. He pulls on his own black hoodie and grabs his messenger bag before turning back to Hoseok.

“You know my everything, whether I like it or not," he says quietly, matter-of-factly, before brushing past him to leave.

“. . . I know your everything?” Hoseok asks himself, grabbing his own things. “I _want_ to know your everything.”

* * *

And that's just it, isn't it? No matter how much Hoseok pretends, he still _wants._ He _wants_ to know how Hyungwon has changed since they last saw each other, he _wants_ to relearn all of Hyungwon's tics, he _wants_ to hold his hand and kiss him like he used to, show him all the new little tricks Hoseok picked up along the way with the vague thought of driving Hyungwon crazy.

Hoseok is greedy because he _wants it all,_ and then he wants _more,_ until he can hold everything that Hyungwon _is_ in his hands and store it in the hole in his heart.

God, Hoseok is _greedy._ One bite out of Hyungwon's heart was never enough, and he should've _known_ that; no, he had to eat Hyungwon _whole_ just to feel full, and the desire to do so was deeply embedded into him, he couldn't tell where it started and he ended.

It's going to fuck Hoseok up, being so close without being able to taste. It's going to fuck him up but he'll take it.

* * *

Hoseok wasn't always-- _isn't_ always-- a good person. That can be said of anyone comfortably: we aren't always good people. It's something everyone needs to come to terms with, those ugly, bad parts that drive you to do not-great things.

The way a younger Hoseok dealt with those ugly bits was to let it take over somewhat; drink and smoke and party, all for the fun of it, to get those urges out of his body. And if they bled into the world, so what? That's out of his control.

Hyungwon wasn't wrong when he said the ulzzang and model circles crossed on occasion; pretty people like to surround themselves with pretty people, like attracts like, birds of a feather, Hoseok isn't a lyricist yet, okay, whatever, he doesn't know another overused metaphor for this. Point is, he meets Hyungwon at a party that's attracted an attractive crowd, and it's all downhill from there. Hyungwon looks distinctly disinterested in the party, a sort of steely cool that _Hoseok_ is immediately interested in.

(Later, Hoseok will learn that it isn't indifference, but uncomfortable detachment, awkwardly floating on a sea of people and being unable to connect to any of them. For now, Hyungwon is just a cold prince.)

This Hoseok is a vulture, and Hyungwon is too tempting to pass up.

So Hoseok sits next to Hyungwon where he's curled rather magnificently yet enticingly on a beaten up couch, conjures up his most charming smile, and it's fire to oil until Hoseok eventually, desperately, slams a lid over it.

This story is already written, and Hoseok hates thinking about it, but it goes like this: Hoseok and Hyungwon meet at a party and hit it off. Hoseok falls a little bit in love, and in a panicked bid to purge that soft part of himself, he antagonizes Hyungwon endlessly in between kisses and shared drinks. Hyungwon quietly speaks to Hoseok's reason; _they're not very good friends, Seok-ah, do you really enjoy this, Seok-ah, why do you always act like this around other people, Seok-ah?_ And because Hoseok is young and dumb and doesn't know any better, he spits out the bite he took of Hyungwon's heart and throws it away.

He's never been able to get rid of the little metallic tang in the back of his throat, and so far, nobody's ever been able to replace it.

* * *

Currently, Hoseok deals with those ugly bits by breaking them down until he finds their core, and then he figures out how to dispel them as best as possible. Some of it just needs catharsis-- watching fascinating serial killer documentaries, or going for a harder-than-usual work out. It's considerably more mature than letting himself get consumed by ill intent.

Conversely, Hyungwon is still a cold prince on the outside, still awkward when it comes down to it, but he's grown into himself much more than before. Minhyuk flutters around him more than Hoseok would expect, and Hyungwon humors him more than expected. He's a little looser with his tongue, sharp and sarcastic, yet it's underlined with cotton soft cushioning.

They've both changed.

Sometimes, Hoseok catches Hyungwon staring. When Hoseok and Hyunwoo return from the gym, Hoseok happily chattering and Hyunwoo indulgent with his smiles. When Hoseok lovingly annoys the shit out of Kihyun, following him like an insistent puppy around the dorms. Especially when Hoseok dotes smothering affection onto Jooheon, hugging the younger with vigor until one of them has to run to practice.

He looks. . . wistful. Thoughtful, with his head propped on a fist or lolling back lazily, with a glazed over look and a furrow between his brows. Sometimes he'll curl into Minhyuk's side when he's been staring for too long, and Minhyuk is more than happy to coddle him in the moment.

"You guys didn't just _meet a few_ _times_ , huh," Minhyuk asks one night, poking Hoseok in the side with his socked foot. "Hyungwon and you, I mean."

It's quiet, most of their fellow trainees either sleeping or getting some extra practice in at the late hours; they're curled on opposite ends of the couch instead of doing either of those, crawling through their phones. No.MERCY is doing its best to turn everyone into fine dust, which leaves Hoseok's brain lacking any desire to deny.

"No," Hoseok confirms, pushing his way through twitter disinterestedly. "We got along more than that."

"Hyung, I like you lots," Minhyuk says lightly, voice holding a musicality that's easy to be drawn in to. A siren if there ever was one. "I really think you're great, but whatever happened between you and Hyungwon must've been fucked up."

Hoseok jolts at the words, giving Minhyuk a wide-eyed stare.

 _"What?"_ Hoseok says indignantly.

"I _said_ it must've been fucked up," Minhyuk repeats, dumb brave and eyes like spotlights forcing Hoseok to stillness. "Because you get this weird look whenever you're around Wonnie, and Wonnie gets quiet around you. Don't tell me you hadn't noticed?"

Hoseok had completely noticed Hyungwon retreating into himself around Hoseok, it had been impossible not to. But Hoseok thought he had at least a little bit more control of his face around other people than this.

"What--" Hoseok starts hesitantly, question hot and sharp around his lips. "--How do I look at him?"

Minhyuk pauses, thinking about his answer carefully as he rubs his shin with his free hand. He's not a lyricist, not yet, but rhythm is in his blood and in his body despite it all, so his words warp like spoken cursive regardless.

"You look at him like you're starving," Minhyuk says finally, voice careful. "Or like you're ready to drown and he's a river full of rapids. There's something you want and he's got it, right, hyung?"

* * *

Hyungwon comes and scrapes Hoseok off the floor of a dingy bar at 2 am. He puts his hand between Hoseok's shoulder blades and rubs it in circles while Hoseok's face is pressed to the bar top. He carefully digs up Hoseok's wallet, pays the tab, and then coaxes Hoseok to stand. He's got that little furrow between his brows again as he helps Hoseok regain his balance, and Hoseok _hurts._

"Won," Hoseok slurs as they stumble outside together. Hyungwon's got an arm around Hoseok's shoulders, as steady as he can be when he's way under Hoseok's weight. "Hyungwon, Wonnie."

"Yes, hyung?" Hyungwon sighs out tiredly.

"Was it that bad?" Hoseok asks, clumsily trying to smooth out Hyungwon's eyebrows with his thumb.

"Was what bad, hyung?" Hyungwon asks, grabbing Hoseok's hand and pushing it down.

"Dating me. Was it fucked up?"

Hyungwon sighs even deeper, and Hoseok pretends he can hear his heart rattling at the force of his lungs, mostly healed with silver, gnarled scar tissue. Hoseok doesn't know what healed hearts look like. Doesn't know if they exist.

"You know what's fucked up?” Hyungwon says numbly, looking ahead to make sure they're going the right direction while Hoseok looks at him like he's every single thing to have ever existed. "It's fucked up that after so long of not seeing you, I still have to drag you out of places you shouldn't be. It's fucked up and I think I fucking hate you."

Hoseok grins, something familiar and sharp edged.

"You really don't."

"Of course I don't, but I want to."

Hyungwon has to practically pour Hoseok into his bunk, not bothering to even try and get him changed.

"You're pretty when you're mad," Hoseok teases, voice faint.

"You always did like me nasty," Hyungwon says with no feeling, leg twitching as if it wants to kick Hoseok in the ribs or something. He'd take it. "Go the fuck to sleep."

With that, Hyungwon leaves, and Hoseok feels the pit in his heart yawn wider.

* * *

Hyungwon makes a point to avoid Hoseok when the cameras aren't on after that. Minhyuk looks confused between them, mouthing "what happened?" at Hoseok at one point. Apparently whatever was plaguing Hyungwon was kept tightly locked under his tongue, and with a sinking feeling, Hoseok realizes history is repeating itself.

Hoseok fucked up. Hyungwon folded into himself.

The thing Hoseok had forgotten was that he'd always had access to Hyungwon's underbelly; he'd been there before the tender parts had been covered up with a thick sugar shell, before the aluminum had turned into titanium. His fingerprints are pressed all over Hyungwon's sinew, kisses streaked across his bone marrow, tongue tracing over the palate of his mouth. Hoseok was the only one who knew, for now, how to really press down on the bruises left behind, and he did so blindly.

Blind.

Hoseok was always so, so blind.

**[[she hopes I’m cursed forever to sleep on a twin sized mattress](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWJUk65EnQM)]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is completed btw!!! im just gonna stagger the updates as i power thru editing, and as usual tags evade me. . . I hope u guys enjoyed!!!
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/mxniomei) || [tmbl](https://mxniomei.tumblr.com/)


	2. THE GUARDIAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.”  
>  ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a mention of a jimin in this chapter but its just an oc :) this is also the only part where the screwy timeline is even vaguely addressed so pls forgive how messy it is

**[THE GUARDIAN]**

**[[I know the world's a broken bone, but melt your headaches, call it home](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qf9qj3oE6T0)]**

Hyungwon had just kind of accepted that he was handsome at some point, probably ingrained it into himself after, y'know, _modelling_ and whatnot. Looking good is what he did, and so his previous agency had kept him on track with that; dancing had been pushed to the side for the most part, no matter how much he'd wanted to keep doing it, and he didn't breathe a word about his budding love of DJing-- no need to give them something else to take.

Monsta X is different for all it's the same.

Things that are different: he's _expected_ to dance now, and he entertains DJing with more interest than before. The singing is good, newer than the other parts, but good nonetheless. There's a whole team of people to spend time with now, too.

Things that stay the same: Hyungwon is supposed to be a pretty visual ice prince. He's really starting to hate the whole ice prince persona. And then, there's Hoseok.

Hoseok is there, within arms reach, and it's both the same and different, too. His voice curls around syllables the same, slants into pout around the same words. He scrunches up his nose and tilts his head the same, confusion pitching his voice a little higher. He still helps people stand up with too much force, and laughs when they struggle to land on their feet.

His laugh is probably the worst part-- it's always been a good laugh, bright and full bodied, but now he laughs like that more often than not. Where before he'd chuff out a breath at best, now he laughs like he did when they were alone in the alleyways between stores, closing in on each other to keep warm. He laughs like a little kid around the members, and Hyungwon hates how relieved he feels at that.

Hoseok belongs within Hyungwon's rib cage, and if a surgeon were to ever cut him open, they'd see Hoseok's footprints on his lungs, the butterflies he'd gifted in his stomach, burned in lip marks across his trachea. It's inevitable that Hyungwon will worry about him, like second nature, even though Hoseok should really be the one worrying about Hyungwon like a good hyung.

But the thing is that worrying about Hoseok is about as instinctive as breathing for Hyungwon. He spent such an integral moment clinging to Hoseok and prying him from trouble that seeing him trouble free is as relieving as a full body massage after a long running practice.

* * *

A 17 year old Hyungwon with his chin hooked over 19 year old Hoseok's shoulder comes to current-age Hyungwon's mind, hiding his gentleness in the steely curve of Hoseok's spine as his friends suggest increasingly distressing plans. A younger Hyungwon had been a little more shameless, casually dragging his lips up Hoseok's neck and to his ear, muttering something airy about being bored. It has them tumbling out into the cool night air, hands tangled together tight.

"I hate your friends," Hyungwon groans out, lazily tugging Hoseok along the streets. "And how easy it is to get you thinking with your dick."

Hoseok laughs, plastering himself onto Hyungwon's back casually, arms wrapping around Hyungwon's waist. The night is kind in her darkness, people on the streets drunk as she sinks her nails into them with vigor.

"You're just so pretty," Hoseok coos annoyingly, pressing a kiss to the nape of his neck.

"Even Jimin gets your motor running, _sweetheart,"_ Hyungwon says, voice dripping with jealousy despite his best efforts. "It's a little excessive."

"Hey, hey," Hoseok says, frowning audibly as he drags Hyungwon to a stop. "I'm a lot of shitty things, but a cheater I certainly am not."

"I guess getting horny isn't cheating," Hyungwon acquiesces, stumbling when he tries to keep walking and Hoseok holds him back. "What?"

Hoseok grunts and whisks Hyungwon off to a damp alleyway between a convenience store and a sad looking 2 story apartment block. Hoseok carefully pushes Hyungwon against one of the walls, bricks drier than those around it, and all at once they're tucked out of sight. Hoseok looks. . . serious. Usually, he's either shooting the shit or being overbearingly affectionate, but now, he takes Hyungwon's face in his hands, and _looks._ It leaves Hyungwon wide eyed and breathless.

"I'm a lot of shitty things," he repeats slowly, voice completely sincere for once. "But I would never cheat on you, Hyungwon. _I wouldn't._ The thought has never even crossed my mind."

Hyungwon takes a deep breath and nods shallowly, feeling thoroughly chastised. Hoseok softens the blow by pressing restless kisses across Hyungwon's face, as if worried Hyungwon won't believe him, and something in Hyungwon whispers, _this is how you like him best._

And it's _true,_ so Hyungwon doesn't fight it; he kisses assurances and sweet sighs into Hoseok's mouth instead and moves on. Hyungwon likes him best vulnerable, soft and frenetic, likes it when he can dig his finger into Hoseok's heart and say _This Is Mine._

Hyungwon's possessive streak isn't big, usually it's nowhere near what it's become, but Hoseok makes him feel like he's going to lose him at any second.

* * *

Hyungwon's favorite version of Hoseok is here so frequently that he feels like he's dreamt this Hoseok up. Hoseok has learned to cry in earnest, speaks with sincerity when he's not goofing off, and smothers everyone in unabashed affection whenever he can. Hyungwon is pretty sure Hoseok has manhandled Hyunwoo into a few cuddles sessions through sheer will and determination at this point.

It's good to see him happy and healthy, compared to the closed off way he used to carry himself with. And yet, it dredges up something ugly in Hyungwon, something he thought he'd left behind months after they broke up.

 _What changed him?,_ it asks innocently, _Why couldn't I change him? I only wanted what was best for him, so why did I have to suffer?_

Hyungwon hates that voice because he hears his own in it.

 _Why did I have to suffer?,_ Hyungwon thinks loosely, constantly, but the words scatter in the lightest of breezes from how well worn they are.

He had made his peace with never knowing. But Hoseok is _here,_ same but different, and now it's clawing its way out of its casket, and Hyungwon isn't sure what to do anymore.

He just buckles down and hopes.

* * *

Minhyuk, Kihyun, and Hyungwon make a killer trio when they put their minds to it, and when they don't, they're absolute menaces to each other and society as a whole. Hyungwon, Jooheon, and Changkyun are a different kind of menace-- as the maknae line, they spend as much time as possible trying to bully their hyungs into feeding them and letting them get away with murder. But shockingly enough, it's Hyunwoo that makes Hyungwon feel the most at ease. They're both kind of awkward and quiet, and he lets Hyungwon take undisturbed naps next to him

Like a good leader, he makes Hyungwon feel calm and he indulges Hyungwon and honestly he might just be Hyungwon's favorite hyung at the moment.

It's stressful seeing your ex being everything that he should've been with you, alright? It's stressful and it's made Hyungwon feel like a failure for never convincing Hoseok that he deserved that treatment, too.

And maybe, Hyungwon is willing to concede, it's petty of him to hold current Hoseok against younger Hoseok; of course he's grown, he's _aged,_ and aging changes you even if it's only a few years. But Hyungwon is a petty person, and it hurts to see what he could've had right before his eyes when all he got was a broken heart.

So.

Petty it is.

Petty means taking up all the comfort he can get, and that means plastering himself onto Hyunwoo and napping as often as possible. Hyunwoo pets Hyungwon's hair sometimes, an indulgent hyung, and he minds his own business.

Mostly.

"You and Hoseok are avoiding each other," Hyunwoo says one day after Hoseok does a wide swerve away from where he and Hyungwon are leaning against each other on a couch. Hyungwon whines.

"We had a disagreement," he says. "We need time to cool down from it."

It's not a whole lie-- they _do_ need to calm down around each other, a little. But for all intents and purposes, it's a little white lie to assure Hyunwoo that everything is fine. Who knew Hyungwon could be a convincing enough actor when push came to shove?

And anyway, he and Hoseok act well around other people, if comparatively more reserved than some of the others. It's fine.

* * *

“Minhyuk,” Hyungwon says one day, Minhyuk sprawled across his stomach and in bed. It’s cozy, but not too cozy, both of them just aware enough of the world past their phones to be able to chatter.

“Yeah?” Minhyuk says, tapping furiously as he plays some new mobile game.

“Do you think. . .” Hyungwon starts, only to stop uncertainly. Minhyuk blinks and gives Hyungwon a sideways look, knowing that his full attention would be too intimidating for the moment. “Would dating me be, I dunno, awful?”

Minhyuk’s nose scrunches up in confusion, and he pauses his game to give Hyungwon his full, intimidating attention.

“Of course not,” he says, voice strong but low. “I know I tease you a lot, but you’re a good person with a kind heart, and you can be very attentive. You’re wonderful. Where’s this coming from?”

Hyungwon taps the sides of his phone rhythmically, biting the inside of his cheek. He’d already been much too honest asking in the first place, but Minhyuk wouldn’t stop until he cut the core of the problem out if he felt he was being duped.

“I’ve just been thinking about the past,” Hyungwon finally says, eyes flickering between Minhyuk’s piercing gaze and his glowing phone screen. “I think I used to suck as a boyfriend.”

“Hyungwon--”

“But who doesn’t have the occasional fucked up relationship, y’know?” Hyungwon interrupts, shrugging. “It happens. Sometimes I just think about things that went wrong and it bothers me.”

Minhyuk huffs, then proceeds to manhandle Hyungwon until he can lovingly wrap all his limbs around his junior. Hyungwon groans petulantly the whole time, but doesn’t bother trying to stop Minhyuk; instead, once it’s clear Hyungwon isn’t going to win his personal space back, he finds a comfy spot for all his lanky bits and sinks into it.

“You’re more than past relationships, successful or not,” Minhyuk says fiercely.

“But,” Hyungwon says softly, feeling the finality of his own words. “It was fucked up to date me then. It was all fucked up but I won’t forget about it.”

 _I won’t regret it,_ the other voice says, and Hyungwon isn’t really sure whether it’s as polarizing as he thought it was.

* * *

Two nights later, Hyungwon picks up a smashed Hoseok up from a bar and feels his memorial decay into exhaustion.

**[[I just wanna feel good, I wanna feel special, when the hell is it gonna get better?]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okueo-8m98s)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/mxniomei) || [tmbl](https://mxniomei.tumblr.com/)


	3. THE FIREBRAND

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I desire the things that will destroy me in the end.”_   
>  _― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helo there is a verbal altercation in this chapter :') nothing too bad just imagine what youd say 2 ur ex if u could roast em

**[THE FIREBRAND]**

**[[you ought to keep me concealed, just like I was a weapon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNkivNlkjj8)]**

They get along-- _fine._ And then, they get along-- _better._ It’s hard to quantify since they just stay quiet around each other when they step out from in front of the camera.

But the camera. _The camera._

It's dangerous in front of the cameras.

At some point, "where it's necessary" began to overlap with "get away with as much as possible," and as usual, it's Hoseok's fault.

("Always dumb brave, aren't you?" Hyungwon says dryly after Hoseok pushes him off stage during a fan meet.

"Respect your hyung," Hoseok retorts weakly, tapping Hyungwon's shin with his foot.

"Alright, _hyung._ ")

* * *

Hoseok likes Hyungwon’s waist. It’s inevitable-- his proportions are just so _good,_ and his waist is so _nice,_ so Hoseok’s hands just end up holding his waist and using his strength to sway Hyungwon around. Hyungwon finds it mildly annoying, lightly smacking Hoseok’s arms occasionally, but otherwise can’t do much more than hold on when Hoseok starts swinging him around.

It's a skin hunger, a need to feel, and Hoseok can't quite push it down; he whets his palate, makes it sharp to dig into the dribbles he gets.

And then Hyungwon fucking _gropes_ him and it's a slippery slope from there on, because now it becomes impossible to ignore the rumble of his stomach.

Everyone sort of pokes at Hoseok's body, same with Hyunwoo, since they're bulky compared to the rest of their group. Hoseok is pretty sure Minhyuk squishes his muscles as some sort of stress relief, and Changkyun leaves shallow bite marks on Hyunwoo's arms for some inexplicable reason. Kihyun slaps their abs occasionally, sharp grinned and fun. Hyungwon casually gropes Hoseok's muscles at will during fan signs, or whenever the show they were on played up Wonho's striking figure.

It's normal, until one day in the dorms, Hoseok is shirtless and Hyungwon is sitting nearby, and Hyungwon says, "you really got big," and Hoseok blushes, and then--

Then Hyungwon lightly taps at Hoseok's pecs like it's all good, like they dont have weird romantic tension still about them from years ago. Bare skin on skin, Hyungwon giving him an appraising but neutral look, and Hoseok wants to--

Well he's not sure what he wants to do, multiple thoughts fighting against each other in this case, but Hyungwon's hands disappear and he leaves before it can solidify into anything, and Hoseok is left there, floundering.

So maybe he exaggerated the groping thing a little. A lot. A lottle.

But now-- now Hoseok wants to touch, again, more, skin to skin.

It turns into a game of two-- one is the need to touch, but the other is the obsession.

The waist obsession.

* * *

Hyungwon isn't as free with his skin as he could be, which makes it hard for Hoseok to get a good in, but it's not impossible by any means. Surprisingly, the chance presents itself at a _restaurant._

Hyungwon gets shoved into the end of the booth, up against the wall, and Hoseok gets pushed in right after him without much of a choice. Hyungwon's shirt is fluttery and wide, but when he leans over the table to flick Minhyuk's forehead, it slips up slightly and Hoseok is a weak man, is the point.

Hoseok lightly tugs Hyungwon's shirt down as he sits again, and his hand just. . . sort of slips under, landing lightly on bare skin. Hyungwon jumps, looking over at Hoseok with a half glare; Hoseok bats his eyelashes innocently. Hyungwon is about to say something, but Minhyuk yells at him and slaps Hyungwon's arm and Hyungwon is dragged back into a conversation. So Hoseok just. . . casually keeps his hand there, pressed against Hyungwon's waist, the skin warm and twitchy. Hyungwon squirms a little when Hoseok's fingers splay across his stomach-- a little being, he goes a little red, and wiggles closer to Hoseok subconsciously. It's cute. It's very cute. Hoseok casually returns to the table's conversation.

Knowing Hyungwon, he's not willing to let everyone know that Hoseok is soothingly rubbing the skin of his tummy and that he kinda likes it, because if he _didn't,_ he'd have already dryly chewed Hoseok's ear off. Instead, he's trying to keep still at the ticklish sensation; he eventually grabs onto Hoseok's wrist once it becomes too much, squeezing lightly in warning.

Hoseok stops, waits for another sign, but it never comes. Hyungwon just. . . keeps him there, under his ribs, a solid weight as they wait for their food.

Fuck. Hoseok could get drunk on something like this; so little, yet so much more than before.

* * *

Hyungwon feels a lot of things, but mostly, he feels fucking _stupid, that's_ what he feels. He's an idiot.

He was over Hoseok, yes, but seeing him again had made him sick once more. _Lovesick,_ a voice sneers, and like, yeah, maybe he is a little lovesick; he'd been in love with Hoseok, and it had initially festered. He'd carefully scraped away at the infection after they had broken up though, stitching himself up, and letting the raw parts heal up. He had done his best and he had healed well.

But the thing about seeing _this_ version of Hoseok, this new and improved version, this sweet and mature version, this version that he has slowly begun to _want_ again, is that it's lit him up with a _fever._

The fever works Hyungwon over slowly as it embeds itself everywhere; he can't move without feeling horrible, and it's there and _there_ _and_ _**there**_. Maybe he'll get a little bit better, stop coughing or lose the headache, but then he gets caught in the rain and he's crawling out of his skin with how _bad_ he is once again.

Hoseok loves to slip his hands under his shirt, just petting Hyungwon's stomach or sides lightly. Never where anyone could see them, though, like he wants to keep those moments to himself.

God, Hyungwon thinks he’s gonna be sick for a moment when Hoseok hooks his chin over his shoulder. Not because he hates it, but because it's going to drive him crazy.

He lets it happen because he loves it. Because if he didn't, if he told Hoseok to stop, he would. Hoseok doesn't try to tickle him, keeps conscious of the pressure of his hands after Hyungwon stopped him at the restaurant.

It's like a precarious balance has been struck-- Hoseok wants to wiggle his way back into Hyungwon's good graces, and he's willing to walk along the guidelines Hyungwon has set out.

He buys Hyungwon food sometimes, mostly snacks and street vendor food. When Hyungwon can't finish it, he happily eats the rest, not commenting on how much is left. He likes to give gifts, but they're small; he buys Hyungwon a fuzzy blanket, and a set of earrings that match with another set he buys for Kihyun.

Little by little, he innocently instills his presence into Hyungwon's life outside of work. He doesn't try to impose.

Hyungwon feels stupid letting him do this, but compromises need to be made when they're gonna be in the same group for the next seven years. There's hope for them yet, Hyungwon likes to think; not as a couple, but as two people who can learn to get along.

* * *

It's late, and Hyungwon is sleepy, but he's still wide awake on the couch with the TV on. He's propped his legs up and covered himself up with the blanket, cozily curled up against the armrest that faces the front door area. Minhyuk is out late tonight, and Hyungwon waits for him to come home. It's reminiscent of when they lived together-- Minhyuk likes feeling cared for, and Hyungwon cares for him very much.

He hears the door open quietly, but when he peeks over, it's just Hoseok. He goes back to watching the drama rerun that's playing, subtitles on and volume low, and ignores Hoseok sitting on the other end of the couch. They silently watch as the main lead goes on a date with the secondary love interest. Hyungwon thinks it's nice-- stargazing on a boat in a lake is pretty cute, if high energy for a character who's obviously not going to get the girl.

"Reminds me of going skinny dipping," Hoseok says, leaning back more comfortably.

"Yeah?" Hyungwon says rhetorically.

"Yeah." Hoseok replies. "What are you doing up?"

"Waiting for Minhyuk," Hyungwon says, curling up further under the blanket.

"Ah, you look tired though," Hoseok says, sounding sympathetic. "I didn't know you were like that."

Hyungwon closes his eyes. This could've been a nice, if neutral moment for them. It could have been.

"Do you have rot for brains?" Hyungwon snaps suddenly. Hoseok flinches and stares wide eyed at him. "I waited for you nearly every night you were out without me. And I stayed way past my curfew when I _was_ with you; you were the ire of my manager for the longest time because of it. But of course you wouldn't know I waited for you, because you were too busy doing whatever the _fuck_ else was more important than spending time with your boyfriend. So tell me, is your brain fucking rotten or something? Or are you just that stupid?"

It's a disgusting kind of relief to see Hoseok so shaken. Those aren't the exact words that have been bouncing around Hyungwon's mind all these years, but they're strong enough to feel _good_. Cathartic.

"I didn't--"

"You didn't _what_ , Hoseok? You didn't know? You thought that me sending you messages at 3 am was normal for me? You've seen me practically drop dead by 10 pm, don't act like you're that dense."

Hyungwon's not yelling, because he doesn't yell. He's always been cold in his fury, but his words carry an ugly heat to them that's impossible to miss. He feels flushed and rotten, like when a beached whale is cut open and propelled through the ocean. All that rot will only take him so far.

Hyungwon unwraps himself from the blanket and tosses it over the back of the couch. Standing up, he slips on his slippers.

"I'm sorry," Hoseok says abruptly, and when Hyungwon looks at him, he seems panicked. "I'm sorry, I was a piece of shit. I knew you were always waiting for me but I--"

"You used the bits of me you liked," Hyungwon says slowly. "And then, you managed to weaponize the parts you _didn't_ against me. You called me a clingy, boring, unlikable person."

Hoseok is cringing, and he looks a little like he wants to cry, and Hyungwon--

Hyungwon can't take this. He can't, it's too much, to think that Hoseok is going to cry. Cry for what? _Cry for what?_

"But I understand now. I understand that whatever I was, or am, just doesn't work for you. You could've just ended it before it began but you didn't. And I was so fucking _stupid,_ believing that maybe things would get better. That maybe you genuinely liked me despite me being _clingy, boring, unlikable._ But no. I was just an idiot. And I won't let you make a fool of me again."

With that, Hyungwon leaves for his room. Minhyuk would forgive him, would probably crawl into his bed to protest.

If he starts crying, he may never stop, so Hyungwon curls up and counts backwards from 100 instead.

* * *

Minhyuk unlocks the door to their dorm and silently tiptoes in a few minutes later. When he enters the living room, he expects to see Hyungwon, who had promised to stay up, but all he sees is Hoseok's back and the TV cycling through ads.

"Hyung?" Minhyuk whispers. When he rounds the couch, Hoseok is buried up to his eyes in a blanket; they look a little bloodshot, but then a drama starts back up and Minhyuk understands. "Is the show that sad?"

". . . Pretty sad," he sniffles.

"Poor hyungie, your heart is so soft," Minhyuk coos, petting Hoseok's hair. "Have you seen Hyungwon-ah?"

"He went to bed," Hoseok says, voice cracking.

"He said he was gonna wait for me," Minhyuk whines. "He always does. I'm gonna wake him up."

Hoseok just sniffles more.

"He must've been very tired though," Minhyuk thinks out loud. "He's usually so loyal about that kind of stuff. Maybe I'll just cuddle him instead. Well, good night hyung."

Hoseok says nothing as Minhyuk leaves, and after getting ready to sleep, Minhyuk slides right into Hyungwon's bed. He's asleep, but tense, like he's having unpleasant dreams. Minhyuk frowns and hugs him tight.

**[[this love has taken its toll on me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqQuRw0S6b4)]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually say "a lottle" irl bc im a dumbass
> 
> anyway ive been very chatty abt skz on twt these days but dont let that scare u ljfldjfgldkfjg
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/mxniomei) || [tmbl](https://mxniomei.tumblr.com/)


	4. THE DAMSEL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”_  
>  ― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like the section of this chapter that has min in it bc hes a good boy whos just trying his best

**[THE DAMSEL]**

**[[But we cannot escape the past, so you and I will never last](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_orsY7C7yk)]**

It's chilly in the Monsta X dorms and Changkyun is unnerved. Hoseok and Hyungwon don't usually get along like fish to water-- which was the weirdest thing to find out once he really got to know each of them-- but they also never fall out this brutally.

Hyungwon is just blatantly refusing to even pretend to entertain Hoseok outside of the view of the camera and it's _weird_.

Hoseok tries, brave man that he is, but it's like Hyungwon's got an impenetrable wall around him. He tries to chat Hyungwon up quietly, trying to pick on his interests, and Hyungwon always looks like he's seconds away from losing his mind. Changkyun doesn't like to insert himself into other's problems, but it's honestly really worrying.

Hyungwon is a calm person. They get along well because of it-- he can dish, but he can also _take_ , and Changkyun loves that about him. He's willing to lose a few fights because he knows better. And sometimes Changkyun is a little hotheaded, acts his age, and Hyungwon takes it in stride so _easily_ , it's like being tethered right back down without the usual shame.

Hoseok isn't even _doing_ anything wrong, not that Changkyun can see, but Hyungwon looks like he's being yelled at.

"Hyung," Changkyun says to Hyungwon often when they're home together, tugging him toward his bed. "Let's watch a movie."

Hyungwon tends to fall asleep midway through, slumped into Changkyun's shoulder, but it's preferable. Sometimes they watch one in English with subtitles on, and barb on how strange the plot is. Hyungwon gets really comfortable.

It feels like it's been a long time since Changkyun had seen him like this, has maybe _never_ seen him like this. It’s a hundred times better than the usual, even if realizing it kind of hurts.

* * *

"What are you two _doing_?" Kihyun mutters, feeling a little cross at seeing Hyungwon brush Hoseok off again.

"We, um, got into a bit of a fight I guess, but it's my fault," Hoseok mumbles, clearly dejected. "I'm. . . kinda stupid around Hyungwon, ha."

"Oh, we know," Kihyun tries to joke, but Hoseok's face twists up all wrong and he regrets it.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Well. . ." Kihyun debates for a moment, wondering if he should be honest. Hoseok stares at him. "It's kind of obvious that you. . . really care for him, at least. And you guys get along a little weirdly. Hyungwon always looks like he wants to be as far away from you as possible, but then he'll take this 180 and play with you like he loves it. I don't always understand him well, but you're pretty open and--"

"And?"

"And. . . I think it's really obvious to the rest of us that you-- well, you _love_ him."

Hoseok's expression crumples, and his eyes get glassy. Kihyun immediately pulls him into a side hug, rubbing his arm warmly.

"Oh hyung, I'm sorry, don't cry," Kihyun coos.

"I'm so _stupid_ ," Hoseok groans, dropping his head on Kihyun's shoulder. "I've had _two_ chances and I fucked them up both times."

This is more confirmation that Kihyun ever thought he'd get on whatever goes on between Hoseok and Hyungwon. They all had their suspicions on what exactly the nature of their relationship was, but with this Kihyun could definitely nail one end down: Hoseok is in love with Hyungwon.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kihyun asks kindly, resting his cheek on Hoseok's head.

"Maybe later," Hoseok says. "I need a bit of time."

"Okay, I'll always listen to you hyung."

* * *

Hyungwon is doing his laundry today, and had graciously decided to pick up some of Minhyuk’s stray items after a bout of begging. When Hyungwon sweeps by the livingroom on his way to the laundry room, snatching up his favorite couch blanket, Hoseok is dabbing at his white shirt with a wet towel.

“Got Gatorade on it,” he says when he catches Hyungwon’s eye.

“Toss.”

Hoseok hesitates for only a second before stripping his shirt off. Hyungwon takes it, and the towel, and wordlessly continues into the laundry room. Minhyuk waddles out of the hallway with some socks soon after.

“Why are you naked?” Minhyuk asks.

“Got my shirt dirty,” Hoseok says.

They stare at each other.

“Hyungwon took your laundry?”

“Just that.”

Minhyuk’s expression must be pretty bad because Hoseok cringes.

“He’s. . . just temperamental, sometimes,” Hoseok says.

“Hyung, I swear to God I thought he was gonna shove you off the couch this morning,” Minhyuk says dryly. “ _Temperamental_?”

“It’s just how things are between us now. I’m gonna grab another shirt.”

Hoseok slips past Minhyuk and into his room, and Minhyuk sighs. He’s kinda completely sick of this. Hoseok looks bothered, but never enough to do anything about what’s going on, it seems. Well! Minhyuk wouldn’t stand it any longer. He marches right into the laundry room, bursting in as Hyungwon pulls some clothes from the dryer. He jumps in surprise, but otherwise ignores Minhyuk as he dumps his socks into the waiting washing machine.

As a courtesy, because he has manners, Minhyuk gets the laundry going. But that’s where his manners end.

"What's going on with you and Hoseok hyung?" Minhyuk finally asks bluntly, tired of seeing them play the shittiest game of tug o war in history.

"He's a fucking asshole, thats what's going on," Hyungwon grunts out as he drops the warm, dry laundry on top of the machine.

"Hoseok hyung? An asshole?" Minhyuk scoffs at the thought. "He'd say sorry to a bee if it stung him. I'm hard pressed to believe he did anything _that_ bad."

And Minhyuk isn't quite sure what he said wrong, but Hyungwon's whole expression shuts right down. Minhyuk can't even tell what he's thinking, let alone feeling, when he closes off like this.

"Okay," Hyungwon says. "Whatever you say."

Minhyuk frowns, narrowing his eyes at Hyungwon.

"You're not even gonna explain?" he asks.

"What for? You already picked a side. You've decided that Hoseok _can't_ be wrong here, that it _must've_ been my fault," Hyungwon says, mechanically turning back around to continue folding his laundry. " _He'd apologize to a bee that stung him._ I fucking wish I was a bee then so he'd he half as fucking _sorry_ for what he's done to me."

So maybe Minhyuk underestimated the severity of what's going on. He'd assumed it was like predebut times, when Hyungwon just didn't get along with Hoseok but had warmed up to him eventually. They had seemed to smooth over whatever problems they had in the past, but maybe that was just Minhyuk's idealism putting rose tinted glasses over their interactions. He wanted nothing more than to have all his friends, his members, get along and care for each other. He didn't want to _be_ in this position, letting anyone feel like he had favoritism in any which way.

Minhyuk loves all of them equally. He truly does. That's why this whole situation has bothered him so much.

"Won-ah, I'm sorry," Minhyuk says after the silence stretches on uncomfortably long. "You're obviously upset and it's obviously over something Hoseok hyung did. Just because it's hard for me to imagine doesn't mean it couldn't have happened. I'm sorry. I just thought that he. . ."

"He what?" Hyungwon asks, tone condescending.

"It's just that he obviously also loves you a lot, so I just. . . find it hard to think that he'd go out of his way to hurt you. But I was wrong to assume that and I'm--"

" _Shut up,_ " Hyungwon yells, scaring the living shit out of Minhyuk. When he turns to look at Minhyuk, he looks a little wild, a little unhinged. "Shut up. It doesn't matter if he loves me or not. That's never mattered to him. Love has never stopped him from fucking stepping all over me."

Hyungwon pushes past Minhyuk and out of the laundry room, and Minhyuk thinks he hears, _Love is what let him step all over me._

"Hyungwon!" Minhyuk calls out, following him. "Hyungwon!"

The front door slams shut, and Minhyuk groans. When he checks, Hyungwon has taken his jacket, keys and wallet from where they keep them in the front hall.

"What happened?" Hoseok says from the kitchen, giving Minhyuk a wide eyed look.

"He's mad with me, so mad," Minhyuk whimpers, distressed.

"I'll go for him."

"Hyung, he's not very happy with _you_ either."

"Yeah, but I have like. . . five years of experience with mad Hyungwon," and Hoseok grins crookedly at him. "He may not listen much to me, but he knows when things are serious between us."

"Hyung--"

"You wouldn't even know where to look for him," Hoseok continues, grabbing his keys and a cap. "But unfortunately for him, I do."

And then Hoseok leaves and Minhyuk wants to scream because oh lord, this is just layers of bad. But Jooheon comes out into the hall, and yells, "Minhyuk hyung, what are you doing, we gotta go to PD nim!"

"All of us?"

"Nah, you and I. Didn't you see the text?" he asks, grabbing his jacket and shoes. "C'mon, he's impatient already."

_Shit._

* * *

A takeout cup of tea is dropped in front of him unceremoniously. Hyungwon's eyes drift up from his own empty cup to see Hoseok.

"Jasmine," he says.

Hyungwon switches his empty cup for the full one, popping off the lid and blowing over the top of it. He's tired. Hoseok pushes a little plate of mini muffins over. Hyungwon picks one apart and puts a small piece into his mouth.

"We should talk."

Hyungwon makes a little displeased noise, but nods anyway.

**[[And it's all my fault that I'm still the one you want](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDDwPuEnHKk)]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're almost to the end :D remember, eventual happy ending dlkfjgldfkjg I PROMISE THERE WILL BE A HAPPY ENDING
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/mxniomei) || [tmbl](https://mxniomei.tumblr.com/)


	5. THE HABIT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Kiss me, and you will see how important I am.”_  
>  ― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end!!! theres a mention of a model in this chapter, but shes totally made up and not based on any real life person :)

**[THE HABIT]**

**[[I want you to be the one that's on my mind](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kUQZ2TvBRk)]**

They leave the cafe and return to the dorms, bypassing their front door entirely to climb up to the roof. They sit right next to the staircase door, where they can't see much past the lip of the roof except the phantom burn of the sunset. Hoseok crosses his ankles anxiously.

"Just look down and don't think about it," Hyungwon insists, legs folded under himself.

He's picking at his nails, pointedly _not_ looking at Hoseok even as he shuffles around. There's a dull thump, and Hoseok's cap rolls into Hyungon's eye line with the breeze. He picks it up, but when he looks over to drop it in Hoseok's lap, Hoseok is all bent over. His forehead is on the ground, hands on either side, and Hyungwon is properly speechless.

"Chae Hyungwon, I am so deeply, immensely sorry," Hoseok says, voice muffled. "I've hurt you beyond words, and nothing will ever be enough to make it better, but I won't ever stop trying to make it right by you. I accept full responsibility, and I'll always respect your decisions."

Hyungwon sniffles quietly, fingers tightening on the visor of the cap. Hoseok's back and arms strain, like he wants to get up, but he stays put patiently.

"At least you never cheated on me," Hyungwon tries to joke, but Hoseok's fierce, " _Never._ " has him bursting into tears.

The thing about Hyungwon is that once he starts crying, it's hard for him to stop. Embarrassed, he pulls his knees up and hides behind Hoseok's cap. If he makes himself very small, maybe Hoseok won't mention it.

Which is dumb, because Hoseok is quite the sympathetic crier. Even when they were younger, he had to really force himself to not cry along with his drunk friends.

"Hyungwon-ah," Hoseok croons, voice already wet, but clearer than when he was apologizing. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry so much."

Hyungwon wants--

He wants--

Wants so much, too much, but mostly he just wants to be _held_. He's felt so _alone_ lately, stuck with only the voices in his head while everyone tiptoed around the blast zone that was their relationship. Inevitably, it all feels like his fault again; if only he was more level headed, if only he were better, everything would be okay now. He wants to apologize too, but can't catch his breath long enough to say anything.

Slumping over into Hoseok's chest, Hoseok makes quick work of pulling Hyungwon into his lap and wrapping all around him in a hug. Hyungwon wipes his eyes, and when he looks up, Hoseok is crying too.

"Why are you crying," Hyungwon says, hiccuping and slapping Hoseok's shoulder.

"Because _you're_ crying!" Hoseok says indignantly.

And Hyungwon just starts laughing, mixed with his tears, because he realizes how _stupid_ they are. They're sitting on a rooftop, crying together, about things that happened years ago when they were too immature to sort them out.

"God, we're stupid."

"Maybe a little. . ."

"I can't believe we've changed so much and yet were still dumb as hell," Hyungwon says, smushing his face into Hoseok's shoulder.

"I like to think I'm much better now, but I don't think there's a cure for stupid."

They both burst out laughing at that, becoming a wriggling mass of salty nonsense. After a while, Hyungwon calms down, patting Hoseok's chest.

"There was always good in here," he mumbles. If they were gonna be emotional, he might as well say it all. "Always knew it. I just didn't know how to bring it out of you."

The roof access door creaks open. Hyungwon mumbles a weak, _"noooo,"_ curling in closer into Hoseok. It's really quite a feat that someone as tall as him can bunch up as much as he is. When Hoseok looks over, it's Hyunwoo, checking in on them.

 _Okay?_ Hyunwoo mouths

Hoseok does a little _okay_ motion with his hand.

Hyunwoo briefly debates trusting that judgement, but Hyungwon clearly looks like he's sorta getting along with Hoseok to say the least, so he quietly leaves. Despite it all, he _did_ still trust them; whatever was going on, they were behaving themselves with shocking civilly. The fights were quiet and private, if there even _were_ any.

"He's gone," Hoseok says, rubbing Hyungwon's back. "Nobody's looking."

"Who was it?"

"Hyunwoo hyung."

Hyungwon seems to consider for a moment before deciding that it's okay, because it unfurls a little. He stays stuck to Hoseok though, and Hoseok is not complaining at all.

"I think," Hoseok says slowly. "That you were one of the few people in the world who saw the good in me."

"And your mom."

" _And_ my mom."

"But now the whole world knows you're good."

Hoseok takes a deep breath, and Hyungwon pats his chest.

“I’m sorry for making things hard for you,” Hoseok says. “There’s so much I want to say, but I’m not sure how to say any of it yet. Just know that I'm gonna take care of you like I always should have, okay?"

"Ew," Hyungwon mumbles.

"I know that's "I love that you said that" in Hyungwon speak. Now c'mon, let's get cleaned up."

* * *

Somehow, Kihyun decides, better is actually worse.

Of course, it's nice to have Hyungwon and Wonho on speaking terms, but now the tension is the gross sticky kind that makes you feel like you desperately need to shower.

Hoseok is so easy to read; the man's a paper maché heart on legs, turning transparent in the rain and burning in the sun. Kihyun hopes he's always soft like this, always honest, but it makes the heart eyes he keeps making at Hyungwon annoying as hell.

Hyungwon is ten times more subtle, but just barely. Kihyun is used to his specific brand of affection, and it's obvious when he looks for it, but it's much quieter. Nothing like the constant strong grip and lilting "Hyungwon-ah"s Hoseok has going on. The cameras must be having a field day with them whenever they all go out.

* * *

Admittedly, Hyungwon was _way_ too loud once.

Minhyuk was sitting beside Hyungwon at dinner, looking for all the world like a scolded school boy, watching Hoseok pile food onto Hyungwon's plate from across the table. Hyungwon kept dumping it into Minhyuk's plate instead. Neither seemed to get mad about this weird little cycle, but eventually Minhyuk could see the drowsy hold of fullness settle over Hyungwon. He knew him well, and knew that there was no way Hyungwon could eat more, but didn't interfere. It hadn't gone very well last time anyway.

" _Seok-ah_ ," Hyungwon whines finally, voice edging on pouty. "Stop it, I'm full."

Minhyuk can _just_ hear it over the general noisy clatter of the restaurant, can barely believe Hoseok can hear it at all. And yet, Hoseok seems to freeze for a moment, before very slowly lowering his chopsticks.

"What is it," Hyungwon says, voice taking on a more teasing tone, rising to be heard more easily. "Cat got your tongue, Seok-ah?"

Minhyuk can see Hoseok's face going pink, but then his mouth blooms into a big, unabashed smile. Like Hyungwon had complimented him. Like Hyungwon had done what he wanted.

("Won-ah~" Hoseok whispers happily, going back to eating. Minhyuk can't catch it, but Hyungwon softens all over.)

Hyungwon yawns but looks satisfied. Minhyuk feels confused as _shit_.

* * *

The sudden, rapid change between them is like a horrible case of whiplash. Jooheon wasn't particularly privy to what exactly the problem between Hoseok and Hyungwon was (not that he thinks _anyone_ really knows), but it's like getting yanked from deep water onto the sunny shore.

Were they always this close? Were they always so touchy? Hoseok is pressed all up on Jooheon's back but his fingers keep skimming Hyungwon's shoulder like he can't keep away.

"Hoseok hyung," Hyungwon sighs, but he doesn't sound angry anymore, just fondly exasperated. "You're gonna give Honey scoliosis at this rate."

"He's strong!" Hoseok assures before almost murdering Jooheon by leaning all of his beefy body on him.

"Hyung!" Jooheon yelps, and Hyungwon laughs at his misfortune.

" _Hoseok_!" Hyungwon crows.

"Sorry Honey," Hoseok says, kissing his hair before backing off.

"No you're not," Jooheon pouts.

Hyungwon continues to titter but throws an arm around Jooheon's shoulders affectionately.

"He's just a silly hyung," Hyungwon says, looking down at Jooheon.

"Very silly," Hoseok agrees absently, staring at Hyungwon. Hyungwon raises an eyebrow at him when he looks over.

"Mm, what are you lookin' at?" Hyungwon asks.

"I like the red," Hoseok says, tugging at the wine color of Hyungwon's hair, and suddenly Jooheon feels like he's out of the loop.

"You never used to," Hyungwon says, now the one leaning all his weight onto Jooheon; it's much more manageable. "What do you think, Honey?"

"I think red looks handsome on you hyung," Jooheon replies honestly. "It's fun but mysterious."

"I guess hyung just had bad taste," Hyungwon jokes.

"Yeah, I was very silly not to enjoy it before."

This is all really going over Jooheon's head right now. He wishes he understood what the hell their relationship is. Instead of learning anything though, he gets roped into wheedling a cake date out of Hoseok.

* * *

Changkyun is, shockingly enough, the first defender of their new dynamic.

"Hyung," he says to Jooheon. "Let them be happy. We may not get it but I don't want to see them so sad again. Hyungwon hyung is smiling so much now, and he's talking to Hoseok hyung again. Isn't that what everyone wanted?"

It seems pretty open and closed that way.

* * *

"I wrote. . . a song," Hoseok says.

"You write a lot of songs," Hyungwon replies. "You need to be more specific."

Hoseok's studio is all white walls and tan floors; it's bright and happy and Hyungwon occasionally naps on the couch there. Hoseok is doing his thing on his computer while Hyungwon yawns away.

"Mm. It's for you though."

"Oh?"

"Not done yet. Soon though!"

"I'll wait for it, then."

* * *

"Hyunwoo hyung," Hyungwon says one day. They're alone in their room.

"Yes?" Hyunwoo says, pushing up his glasses on his nose and rolling over in bed to look at Hyungwon.

"I--" he pauses, nose scrunching up "I need advice?"

This. Is going to be a little awkward. Maybe more.

"Or more like, I need to tell you something?"

Okay, _less_ awkward.

Hyunwoo sits up, and Hyungwon moves to sit next to him. Hyungwon is picking at his shorts in thought, and Hyunwoo is more than willing to wait for him.

"Years ago, Hoseok hyung and I met and we. . . dated," Hyungwon says slowly. The words feel dusty, like they haven't seen the light of day in a long time. "And it didn't end well."

Hyunwoo isn't sure what's exactly the right thing to say into the resulting silence, but he tries anyway.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he says. "Was it hard?"

"Very," Hyungwon responds with a laugh. "He and I were very different people then, and younger, and dumber. It was just different all around."

"That's why you two behaved like that."

"Mhm. He, he really broke my heart, hyung. He broke up with me and it was horrible," Hyungwon pauses, digging his thumb into his thigh. He hasn't looked up once. "I don't think I ever told anyone about it, but I never forgave him for it. He was. . . pretty cruel about it. And when I saw him at the Starship building, when I saw who he had _become_ , that part of me that wanted to be cruel back, rose up. I-- I was so immensely jealous; he was suddenly so sweet? I don't know. . ."

He trails off uncertainly, and Hyunwoo places his hand on his knee lightly. Hyungwon is rarely this raw about his experiences; he's all soft words and roundabout metaphors when it comes to difficult topics, doing his best to make it digestible. Sometimes, Hyunwoo wondered how much Hyungwon _wouldn't_ say just to keep the mood up.

A lot, it seemed like.

"Maybe it was wrong of me to be mad after all these years.”

"I don't think so," Hyunwoo says. "You can't help what you feel. If he hurt you badly, then he hurt you badly. And, when we were trainees, I never saw you treat him poorly; you didn't let your anger lash out. I think you did really well."

Hyungwon laughs again, pressing the back of his hand to one eye.

"Don't say that, I'll cry," he jokes. "I tried very hard to be kind to him. He was different, sweeter, happier. How could I unleash that on him?"

"But something happened recently, didn't it? When you two were really bad," Hyunwoo coaxes.

"Yeah. He said something, he didn't mean to, but it hurt my feelings again. Again, _again_ , everything came back; I was mad all over again. And you know what he did, hyung?"

"What?"

"He apologized. He apologized for _everything_ , and I realized that's all I needed from him. And now I--"

Hyungwon groans, leg jittering under Hyunwoo's hand.

"--I think I'm in love with him again," Hyungwon chokes out. "Am I being ridiculous, hyung? I should forget it, right? I'll just hurt myself again."

"Hyungwon-ah, do you really think Hoseok has changed?" Hyunwoo asks.

"I do."

"Then I don't think you're being ridiculous. You said it yourself: you two used to be very different people."

Hyungwon takes in a deep, long breath, before letting it all out and deflating like a balloon. He slumps over and rests his head on Hyunwoo's shoulder.

"I'm scared."

Hyunwoo moves his hand to Hyungwon's shoulder and rubs it in silent support. They end up falling asleep in a tangled mess.

("Won-ah?" Hoseok whispers, gently pushing Hyungwon's hair back.

"Mm, Seok?"

"C'mon, lift your leg a little; you're freezing all down your back."

Hyungwon shifts further onto Hyunwoo, who is nice and warm and solid and also a little bit awake. Hoseok pulls the blanket stuck under Hyungwon's hip, and then drapes it over him. Hyungwon resettles and drops off once more.)

* * *

Hyungwon tends to still get solo modelling jobs between comebacks, and it's during one of these that he reconnects with another figure from his past: Choi Jimin. She was part of his and Hoseok's friend group, an ulzzang that Hyungwon always knew would do well in modelling; there she was at today's shoot, looking older but even more beautiful, and also happy to see him. They had caught up for a while, and she had strategically mentioned nothing about Hoseok.

It was nice though, seeing her away from the shady bars and dark smoking lounges. She seemed happy. She showed him photos of her two dogs and the boyfriend she affectionately called her house husband.

It was genuinely joyful. He wonders why he was ever jealous of her, when all she ever did was root for him. She had even called him after he and Hoseok had broken up, and wished him the best; he’d lost her number after his phone had suffered a watery death, and they had been estranged ever since.

"You know who was at my shoot today?" Hyungwon asks when he gets home, peeling off his shoes.

"Who?" Hoseok asks from the kitchen.

"Choi Jimin!"

Hyungwon waddles over to the couch, plopping down tiredly. He rolls both his ankles rhythmically to release some of the tension he's feeling in there. Hoseok is oddly quiet.

"Oh?" he says.

"Yeah! She's finally a model with an agency and everything."

Hyungwon hears the blender go off. He hums, waiting for Hoseok to finish.

"She's gotten even more pretty than I remember," he says one the noise dies down. "She really grew into all her features. She's also got two dogs! Very cute, a shi tzu and a husky."

Hoseok makes his way over, dressed for the gym. He's got a pink smoothie in a travel cup, and more of it in a regular glass; he passes the glass to Hyungwon and he takes it gratefully. When he tries it, it tastes like sweet strawberries, with only a tinge of a powdery taste from whatever protein Hoseok added to it.

"Mm, 's good hyung, thank you."

"No problem," Hoseok says. "Hey, what's up with your ankles?"

"They had me wear these really heavy shoes and then hold my legs up," Hyungwon grumbles. "For a _lot_ of takes. It was worth the shot, but they're a little achy now."

When Hoseok drops down to his knees, he scares the shit out of Hyungwon. Hyungwon mutters, "hyung?", and tries to sit up, but Hoseok waves him off. He places his bottle to the side and pulls Hyungwon's foot onto his lap.

"Let me check on them," Hoseok says, pushing up Hyungwon's pant leg.

"Ah, hyung, it's fine," Hyungwon insists, but let's Hoseok poke around to his heart's content. He's glad he wore his plain white socks today; Hoseok wouldn't let him live down wearing pineapple socks to a modelling job. "Anyway, seeing Jimin again. . . It was nice. She really cared about me back then, even though we lost touch, so I was happy. I wish all reunions could be that positive."

They're quiet for a few minutes, as Hoseok kneads the tension out of one leg and starts on the other. He feels oddly spoiled, sipping his strawberry smoothie and having Hoseok gently massage his ankle. Hyungwon is suddenly reminded of another long gone memory, and snorts a little.

"Hyung, do you remember when I sprained my ankle at practice once? Before my old agency made me quit dancing?" Hyungwon asks nostalgically. "You were so mad! You kept telling me how silly I was, how could I dance for so many years but sprain my ankle? But now you know better, hyung~"

Hyungwon keeps giggling at the memory, but Hoseok is frowning deeply.

"I was so worried," Hoseok mumbles. "And when you told me they made you quit dancing. . . I got so mad. How could they just force you like that? Especially when you were hurt? God, I _despised_ that fucking company."

Hyungwon stares wide-eyed at Hoseok, shaken out of his jubilant mood; he'd never heard _this_ rant before. Hyungwon knew Hoseok hated his job, but he thought it was because it took up so much of his time, not because Hoseok hated his old agency.

"Seok-ah, it's not that big of a deal," Hyungwon says. "It's over. I'm here now."

"It's not-- I _hated_ it," Hoseok continues. "I hated that they made you so unhappy, but I hate even more that I made you unhappy too. I had my head up my ass."

"Hoseok, it's _okay_. You were different then, you apologized and you've changed for the better. Look at you now, massaging my ankles like I'm some kind of prince."

Hoseok shuffles closer, letting Hyungwon's feet land on either side of his body. His face is set, determined, like he's about to walk on stage and deliver the performance of a lifetime. It's a little unsettling, but Hyungwon looks right into his eyes anyway.

"You know what's stupid, Hyungwon?" Hoseok says, and Hyungwon is enraptured by the low tone of his voice, the sharpness of his eyes. "I loved you. I don't think you ever knew, but _I loved you._ And I never once acted like it. And now all I want to do is treat you like a prince, because I always should have, because I still love you _so much_."

Hyungwon's brain turns into pure static. Not his best moment, but he literally stops being able to think. All he can do is listen and feel Hoseok's big, warm palms holding onto his thighs.

" _What_?"

"I was so, _so_ in love with you, that I didn't know what to do with myself. If you had asked me that first night we met to hop on a train and move to Russia? I'd have done it. It scared me because before then, I don't think I had ever dedicated myself to anything so fully."

That's it. Hyungwon's brain is actually scrambled eggs in a hot pan. None of this makes sense. He knew, objectively, Hoseok had to at least _like_ him, and of course, Minhyuk _said_ Hoseok loved him, but it didn't seem _real_. He thought Minhyuk's optimism and rosy glasses had tinted everything a cute pink.

"When I started training, I thought _this is it, this is what will replace Hyungwon in my heart,_ but I was just lying to myself; when I saw you in that room with Minhyuk, I felt _empty_. Nothing could ever replace you, never, but I was so _done_ pretending that you aren't walking around with my heart in your mouth. Fuck, you could dig your hand right into my chest and smile with my blood on your face and I'd still want to kiss you until you couldn't breathe."

Fuck, okay, maybe Hyungwon is capable of something, because the frenetic speed of Hoseok's voice has him sliding off the couch and into his lap. The smoothie glass is pushed to the floor, thankfully not tipping over or breaking, and Hyungwon uses both of his hands to grab onto Hoseok's face. His heart feels like a metronome gone rogue, rhythmic but wild, as he shoves their lips together. Hoseok's groan is fucking _pornographic_ to Hyungwon, feeling it all down his trachea and into his burnt stomach.

It's a graceless kiss, but Hoseok is gripping him so tight, it's impossible to care. His tongue feels like a knife, like he's carving his name into each crevice of Hoseok's mouth; a chanting _mine, mine, mine,_ compounded on by how much Hoseok seems to love it.

Love _him_.

God, Hoseok _loves_ him.

Hyungwon ends up flat on his back on the floor, thinking about how Hoseok's muscles are _definitely_ not for show, and Hoseok pulls back to finally breathe.

"I love you," Hyungwon heaves out in a breathy gasp. "I loved you, I love you."

That almost unravels Hoseok entirely, as he dives back down to ruin Hyungwon's mouth once more, make it impossible for anyone else to traverse him, make himself the only expert on the architecture of _Hyungwon_.

"I lied about the song," Hoseok says, mouth traveling across Hyungwon's cheek, jaw, throat. "I lied, I've written you a hundred songs, a thousand, _fuck_ , you turned me into a _poet_."

Hyungwon laughs, a good laugh, a happy one, and says, " _Good_. I want them all."

**[[처음처럼 다시 내게](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTleCg4rTok)]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you guys enjoy??? tell me your thoughts !!! this fic has been a long time coming and im glad to have finally gotten it out !!!
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/mxniomei) || [tmbl](https://mxniomei.tumblr.com/)


End file.
